Summer movies fill the theaters with comedies and CGI. But will any of them be worth the price of admission?
BUFFING UP | Chris Pratt makes a foray into action herodom as the lead in Marvel’s latest franchise, ‘Guardians of the Galaxy,’ due in August.
ARNOLD WAYNE JONES | Life+Style Editor
Welcome to the summer of the himbo.
Hollywood has long exploited the bodies of its female stars, from Marilyn and before, and on through Ursula Andress emerging from the sea in Dr. No to, well, every movie ever made since, men have often been relegated to junior hunk status.
Sure, there were those Steve Reeves muscleman movies (B pictures, all) and the mid-’80s welcomed the glorification of the overbuilt, steroided frames of Stallone and Arnold, but it’s really just been the last decade or so — and really, the last few years — when men have been gloriously, shamelessly marketed for their physiques. (Thank you, Matthew McConaughey — you really earned that Oscar setting the stage for this.) When, in Casino Royale, it was Daniel Craig’s 007, and not the Bond Girl, who emerged from the surf … well that’s when we knew the roles had reversed
This summer’s crop of films is especially stacked with himbos — men admired more for their eye-candy appeal than their acting chops.
But really, the whole season is about flash more than substance: Comedy and excessively CGI’d explosions have become the staple of summer moviegoing; what hasn’t especially caught on, though, are better movies. This summer is rampant with remakes, sequels, reboots and franchises. Creativity is at a low.
The season kicked off early with last month’s debut of Captain America: The Winter Soldier (another hunkfest) but the traditional start of summer — in Hollywood terms — has become the first weekend in May, as evidenced by the premiere this week of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (see review, below).
Here’s our rundown of what’s on tap for the summer — some that looks good, some bad, and plenty that’s still wait-and-see. The good news is: You barely have to go a week without some fabulous pec-age … and the occasional package. (Films marked * are limited releases given national roll-out dates, but may open in North Texas later than indicated.)
MAY 2
The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Reviewed below.
Bad Johnson. Womanizer Cam Gigante is amazed when his penis leaves his body and becomes its own entity. They had us at “Gigante.”
Also opening: Teenager; On My Way.
AB FAB | Zac Efron has still yet to ‘open’ a movie without singing and dancing, but teaming with Seth Rogen — and getting a ripped body — could help his chances with Neighbors, coming next week.
MAY 9
Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return. Last year we had the live action Oz: The Great and Powerful and now this animated feature; can a film adaptation of Wicked be far behind? As all Friends of Dorothy know, there’s never a bad time to follow the yellow brick road.
Neighbors. Schlubby stoner Seth Rogen is the name that can open a comedy, but we’re looking forward to this more for Zac Efron’s buff bod. He can move in next door anytime.
Godzilla: The Japanese Original. Before the latest remake takes hold, this classic — without the Hollywood add-ons of Raymond Burr and bad dubbing — is in theaters with a restored print.
Also: Chef; Blue Ruin; Hornet’s Nest.
MAY 16
Godzilla. It has to be better than the last one. I mean, dental surgery would be better than the last one ….
Also: Million Dollar Arm; For No Good Reason; Particle Fever*; German Doctor*; Fed Up.
MAY 23
X-Men: Days of Future Past. Aside from a title weirdly reminiscent of The Moody Blues, there’s not much retro about this pec-fest, with Hugh Jackman back as Wolverine and a few other Spandex clad cohorts (male and female). Hey — gay director Bryan Singer apparently has an eye for hot young things, we’d expect nothing less.
Also: Blended (reuniting Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore); Palo Alto; This Is Where We Live*.
BEEN THERE, HERC’D THAT | The untold story of the wicked queen from ‘Sleeping Beauty’ is the premise behind Disney’s ‘Maleficent,’ starring Angelina Jolie, hitting theaters May 30.
MAY 30
Maleficent. Disney hit the jackpot with its reimagining of Snow White two summers ago, so why not this untold story of the evil queen from Sleeping Beauty? Although not technically a himbo, queer icon Angelina Jolie scares the bejeebus out of us in the title role, and that’s just from the trailer (and knowing what she did as Lara Croft).
Also: A Million Ways to Die in the West; Alphaville* (re-release).
JUNE 6
Edge of Tomorrow. Tom Cruise is back in action, this time with Emily Blunt. Will it be Knight & Day/Jack Reacher bad or Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol good? Doug Liman directs.
Also: The Fault in Our Stars; Night Moves*.
JUNE 13
22 Jump Street. As with Neighbors, this one pairs a comic fudgecicle (Jonah Hill) with a dead-pan hottie (Channing Tatum).
Also: How to Train Your Dragon 2; Supermensch: The Legend of Shep Gordon*.
JUNE 20
Jersey Boys. Clint Eastwood is the unlikely director of this film adaptation of the Tony Award-winning musical about Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. I guess producers thought Eastwood’s last foray into a musical (in front of the camera) in Paint Your Wagon had everyone waiting with bated breath for 45 years. We’re unconvinced. And with the prominent gay character of Bob Crewe (co-writer of all the Four Seasons’ hits) and the hit-and-miss way Squinty Clinty handled J. Edgar … well, let’s just say we have high hopes the music is good.
Also: Think Like a Man Too.
JUNE 27
Transformers: Age of Extinction. Is it time for another one of these? At least it doesn’t star that male Lindsay Lohan, Shia LaBoeuf, this time. Instead, we get still-ripped Mark Wahlberg. Good trade. But when will this franchise go extinct?
Yves Saint Laurent*. A documentary about the great gay designer; it’s been a huge hit in Europe already.
JULY 2
Deliver Us from Evil. Typically, we wouldn’t have many expectations for a supernatural thriller — they’re a dime a dozen. But a July 4 weekend release date, Jerry Bruckheimer producing and sexy Eric Bana starring gives us expectations.
Also: Tammy; Earth to Echo.
JULY 11
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. The reboot of this 1970s-era franchise was dumb but also magnificent in its CGI effects; we expect the same with the sequel. But we all know the story does not end well for mankind.
Boyhood. Texas filmmaker Richard Linklater spent 12 years making this film about a child from adolescence to near adulthood, with the cast aging in real time. Fascinating.
Also: And So It Goes; The Fluffy Movie (Gabriel Iglesias concert film).
TATUM, OH! KNEEL! | Channing Tatum has two summer movies: the comedy sequel ‘22 Jump’ with Jonah Hill, left, and the sci-fi epic ‘Jupiter Ascending;’ bicep king Mark Wahlberg, right, takes on Transformers in the fourth installment of that franchise.
JULY 18
Jupiter Ascending. Trans filmmaker Lana Wachowski and her brother Andy (The Matrix, Cloud Atlas) are back in the sci-fi genre, with Channing Tatum leading the charge.
Also: Planes: Fire and Rescue; The Purge: Anarchy.
BEEN THERE, HERC’D THAT | A lower-budget version of the Hercules myth was a disappointment in January, but that won’t stop Dwayne Johnson, above, trying to hit it big with ‘Hercules,’ July 25;
JULY 25
Hercules. The Rock (aka Dwayne Johnson) stars in the second of the Hercules films this year. The first, with Kellan Lutz, wasn’t great filmmaking but it was entertaining trash. We’ll see if this larger-budgeted version can stack up. (Note: Historically, when similar but competing movies come out the same year, it’s the second out of the shoot that usually takes the hit.)
Also: Sex Tape; Step Up All In.
AUG. 1
Guardians of the Galaxy. Outer space bodybuilders led by Chris Pratt. After Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans, we trust Marvel’s choice of Chrises to make our hearts pound.
Also: Get On Up.
AUG. 8
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Hell, if they can turn the Smurfs and Transformers into movies again, I guess these ’80s relics were destined to make a comeback. What’s next: Moonlighting: The Motion Picture?
Also: Lucy; The Hundred-Foot Journey; Into the Storm.
AUG. 13–15
Let’s Be Cops. A comedy with Damon Wayans Jr. in uniform. Good start.
The Expendables 3. Stallone is back, with a cast of new geriatric action throwbacks, including Harrison Ford and Mel Gibson. Mel? Really? You know he’ll have to die violently, just to keep the audience from rioting.
Also: As Above, So Below; The Giver.
AUG. 22
Frank Miller’s Sin City: A Dame to Kill For. Texas-based auteur Robert Rodriguez gave up his Directors Guild membership to give graphic artist Frank Miller co-director credit on the last Sin City movie … and it wasn’t very good. Let’s hope this reteaming — with Joseph Gordon-Levitt among the large cast — is an improvement. It’ll certainly look stylish.
Also: If I Stay; When the Game Stands Tall.
AUG. 27–29
This weekend, notorious as the dumping ground of films not big enough for summer or good enough for the prestige of fall, welcomes these losers.
November Man; Underdogs; Jessabelle; The Loft.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition May 2, 2014.