A heartbreaking novel of loss, and a how-to guide for parents of gay children
Judith Frank.
All I Love and Know by Judith Frank (Wm. Morrow 2014) $27. 432 pp.
It wasn’t until they were mid-flight to Tel Aviv that Matt Greene had time to process the phone call that came the day before. He remembered dully that he’d been the one to break the news to his partner, Daniel, that Daniel’s twin brother Joel and sister-in-law were dead by an act of terrorism.
When they were younger, Daniel and Joel were nearly opposite: Daniel was the quiet twin, while Joel was the center of attention. There’d always been rivalries, but Joel was supportive of Daniel’s sexuality, and Daniel was overjoyed when Joel married Ilana. By the time 6-year-old Gal and baby Noam were born, he and Joel were getting along better than they ever had; even so, Daniel was surprised when Ilana told him that she and Joel wanted him to raise the children, should anything happen.
But Daniel wasn’t sure how he’d do that. He and Matt were a couple, but doubt lingered whether Matt could co-parent with him. Matt had strong political ideologies, which also bothered Daniel, since he was committed to raising Gal and Noam with a love for Jerusalem — but first, they’d have to weather a court battle against the children’s maternal grandparents, then a slow separation from the only home the kids had ever known.
Matt was excited about the custody arrangements. It would mean big changes for all, but he grew to like his stay-at-home-dad status. Yes, Gal was having problems at school and Noam was behind in his development, but those were things he and Daniel could take care of. Until they forgot to take care of their relationship.
Heartbreaking. That’s one word that describes All I Love and Know. Other words: desperate and urgent. And long … very, very long.
Indeed, author Judith Frank packs between these covers a story that spans well over a year, and it can feel like it, too. Just when you think you must be near the end, another thread begins anew. There are also three or four surprisingly (for a book like this) explicit scenes that I wasn’t expecting.
So why did I bother to finish it? Because it’s so good. Frank describes the depths of grief so keenly that it’s hard not to feel it in your own gut. When her characters find self-capability that they didn’t know they had, we’re delighted, too. And when clashes happen, we take sides.
Those are all signs of a decent book with a slight case of newer-author-itis, and that’s something most readers will find forgivable.
This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids by Dannielle Owens-Reid & Kristin Russo (Chronicle Books 2014). $19. 240 pp.
When your child tells you he’s gay, it can come as a bit of a shock … even if you kinda knew already. But as much as you love your gay son or daughter, you’ll have a thousand questions, so you may wanna pick up this book.
Two little words (“I’m gay”) can cause much confusion for you, but it may be new to your child, too. He may’ve only recently understood who he is. What to do can pose hurdles, which the authors seek to minimize.
Knowing your child is gay is not license to broadcast it; telling others depends on many factors, especially how your child feels. Expect changes in your child, but remember that she’s still the same kid. Know your child’s rights in schools, restrooms and bullying issues. Talk to your child about sex, and be firm on house rules. Keep a close eye out for any signs of depression. Be patient, strive for understanding, and talk, talk, talk.
Springing from the authors’ helpful website (EveryoneIsGay.com), this book offers succinct advice, sensible comfort, and a glossary of terms that the authors encourage parents to know. I liked that it’s comprehensive and not overwritten, and that it’s browse-able and not necessarily meant for cover-to-cover reading. That’s helpful, because the questions you may ask now are “very different from the questions you may have a year from now.”
— Terri Schlichenmeyer
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition October 24, 2014.