Squirting newbies and hot losers
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Dear Jen,
I saw a “women who squirt” porn with my girlfriend, and I could not believe my eyes. How come I’ve never heard of this until now? Better yet, how come we don’t learn about this in sex ed?
Disconnected From My Vagina
Dear Vagina,
Did you ever see the documentary “Sick?” It’s about the now-deceased performance artist and S/M enthusiast Bob Flanagan. He had Cystic Fibrosis (the disease that fills your lungs up with fluid and tries to drown you). The doc explains that he got into S/M because inflicting pain on himself was a way to regain some control over his diseased body. He did things like nail his dick to a board, have his girlfriend stuff giant metal balls up his butt and do an art performance piece where he was periodically, slowly hoisted up from behind a wall in the museum by his ankles, naked.
Apparently the upside down and naked hanging thing started when he was a youngster. In the movie, he tells how he used to hole up in his room and flog himself while hanging from hooks in his ceiling. They cut back and forth from Bob telling this story to his astonished, elderly mother repeating over and over, “Where was I? Where was I?”
You and your vagina remind me of Mrs. Flanagan and Bob, respectively. You’re so right, if only both of you had had some sort of class that enlightened you to all the millions of places sex and sex organs can take you. Mrs. Flanagan could have left sandwiches outside young Bob’s door for him to eat after all his hard work. And you could have been writing your name in the snow (You still can. Get ejaculation tips at Babeland.com/sexinfo/howto/female-ejaculate).
You raise an interesting question. Where do they draw the line in sex ed classes? High school was a long time ago for me that I’m not entirely sure I even had sex ed beyond a “getting your period talk.” But how do they do it these days? Do they teach about gay sex? Do they quiz students on important terms like “tea bagging” and “rusty trombone” or explain the proper etiquette for asking someone to pee on you?
Crotch vs. brain
Dear Jen,
I’m 22 years old, and I can’t seem to get over my immature ex. For some reason, I can’t commit to the fact that he’s a loser and I need more to my life. Honestly, it’s the sex that keeps me attracted to him, and it’s also what keeps him calling me.
This has been going on for six months. And every time I don’t talk to him, he just finds someway to lure me back. I want to move on so bad. He abused me, said horrible things to me and never really cared about what I had to say, yet I can only remember our good times. Oh, how selective memory haunts me.
What also scares me is that I don’t think I will ever find the kind of pleasure that he gives me. It’s weird. I’ve had five different partners, and he has been the absolute best and he says the same about me. Damn chemistry. I want to be me again. Where do I go from here?
Stuck in Loserville
Dear Loserville,
Where do you go from here? To the land of caller ID, unanswered phones, blocked e-mails and slamming your hand in the car door every time you think of him that’s where. Train the horny squirrels in your brain to knock it off. Make sure that any thoughts of him that do squeak by are the ones that involve him calling you a fat pig with poop for brains. M’kay?
But you won’t be able to give this guy the heave-ho until you really want to.
It’s like people who get hypnotized to quit smoking when they really don’t want to quit. Or the hungry souls who try to lose weight when they’re more excited by pizza than being able to look down and see their feet. It never works.
A few months ago I dragged my ass to yoga class for a solid week even though I so didn’t feel like doing it. I paid my money, sat on my mat and was surprised to find my hand raised in the air when the instructor asked if anyone had any injuries she should know about. Then I heard myself explaining that I’d just gotten the cast off my broken elbow and should really take it easy.
I’m an adult and very busy. I paid for that class with my own money and then lied so I didn’t have to participate (my cast came off in December of 2005, but luckily my arm still looks a little messed up so the instructor bought it). The majority of Yoga Week was spent quietly napping on my mat and conjuring up my best “wincing in pain face” in case she was looking at me whilst I was half-assing Down Dog.
You need not be shocked that someone of such assholian proportions could be such a fantastic lover. We’ve all been whining about that guy since we first learned how to spread our legs. It’s as if The School For Total Pricks is right across the street from the Erogenous Zones Research Lab. And it seems that everyone who graduates from both, graduates with honors.
Spending your precious time with Dumbo is more about you feeling that you don’t deserve better than how skilled he is with his mouth. You refer to him as a loser. But remember, water seeks its own level. If you didn’t think you were such a loser, you’d be out there getting the high hard one from someone who can twizzle your nizzle and not let the door slam in your face when you’re walking behind him.
He’s out there. Just be ready for him. In the meantime, don’t worry about the fact that you’re not ready. The fact that you realize that this is not the relationship of a lifetime is a good sign.
So what to do?
Wait to get someone out of your system, but you can help speed up the process. Keep yourself busy. Hang out with people who think you’re the shizznit. Go on dates with nice guys. Focus on your many fine points and resist all invitations to talk to him, e-mail him, text him and especially hang out with him, regardless of how horny you get on a Saturday night.
Jen Sincero lives in Venice Beach district of Los Angeles. She’s a syndicated columnist and the author of “Don’t Sleep with Your Drummer” (MTV Books) and “The Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping with Chicks” (Fireside).
JenSincero.com
E-mail: advice@jensincero.com
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition August 31, 2007