Jenny Block tackles body issues
I feel like I have always been at war with my body. And I bet many of you feel the exact same.
Body image and weight are sensitive issues. And, let’s face it, ageing puts those issues front and center for the majority of us. Taking care of ourselves and supporting our partners when it comes to appearance can be a challenge — being both honest and kind is a razor’s edge. It can be equally difficult to share our feelings about our own bodies and get the support we need from our partner without hurt feelings.
This problem is often compounded when one partner feels as if she struggles more than the other, or the perception that it’s somehow “easier” for the other (because of lifestyle — like whether one works from home or in an office — or your partner’s personal goals or even metabolism). The thing is, a person’s struggle is their struggle. Period. And when it comes to our partners, we all crave and need their support.
When it comes to how we feel about our bodies, the only thing that really matters is how we feel. It doesn’t matter if someone else tells us we look “fine” or even “good.” It doesn’t matter if we’re “only” struggling with those same pesky 10 pounds, or lingering baby weight, or that spare tire that seems to come and go at will. It doesn’t matter if we can still squeeze into our favorite jeans. If we’re not where we want to be, we need our partner to hear us and support us.
For myself, my own body never looks the way I want it to, and then when I see old photos, I often say to myself with a sigh, “I can’t believe I thought I was heavy then — look at me now.” As I’m getting older, I’m not at all keen about how my metabolism doesn’t seem to be cooperating with me, and how fat seems to have found new, creative places to settle.
My incredibly sweet wife constantly tells me how beautiful she thinks I am, and I appreciate that. But it doesn’t change my own frustration with my weight. When I share that frustration, she can get cross with me, and that’s hard for me, because I need her to hear how I feel about myself, even if it’s not the same as she feels about me. I also want her to be honest, because I need to be able to trust her. If she says I always look good, I won’t know when it’s just the love talking.
The other difficulty is that if we criticize our own bodies, our partners might wrongly take that as criticism of theirs, as in, “If she thinks she needs to lose weight, she must think I really, really need to lose weight.” But we have to be able to hear only what our partner is saying and not create any subtext. Not everything is about you. We have to stop making comparisons. If she is saying, “This is how I feel about me,” it’s imperative we hear that and only that.
We also have to remember that even if we feel as if our ideal is farther out of reach than our partner’s goal, that doesn’t make our partner’s journey any easier or less important. In fact, the last 10 or 15 pounds often are the hardest to lose. If that’s the whole of their journey, that’s no walk in the park. One person having to lose more or change more or whatever in no way discounts what the other person feels they need to do.
The same goes for if one partner is “busier” than the other. If we want to improve ourselves, there is always time and space to do that. No excuse has ever resulted in either toning or weight loss. Only eating less (and better) and moving more can do that. It might make us feel better for a minute to make excuses like, “Oh, he has so much time on his hands. It’s so different for me.” But those excuses hurt no one but ourselves.
Everyone has their own inner demons and their external challenges. Comparisons serve no purpose. Others not being at their ideal weight doesn’t mean we shouldn’t work towards being at ours. Each of us has to decide what we want and need for ourselves when it comes to our bodies, and we have to communicate that to our partners. If I ask if I look heavy in something, I want a real answer. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be asking. And if you ask me the same, I will answer truthfully.
Here’s the thing: We need to be able to tell our partners the truth without them thinking that it means we love them any less. I know my wife loves me, and I need her support as I continue to work to get my body to a state with which I am comfortable. I need my journey to be respected and not minimized, and I need to know when a pair of jeans or a dress need a hiatus before my body is ready for it again.
It’s about not making things about us. My comfort with my body has nothing to do with my wife’s body. My journey is my own. When it comes to body issues and weight, relatively is, well, irrelevant. So, be honest and be kind and hear what your partner is saying without inserting your own needs and feelings into what is being shared. The feelings we have and the battles we have to face are all real and all true, and other people’s feelings and experiences do not negate our own. Ever.
Jenny Block writes about relationships, modern living and culture. If you have a question or topic for her, send it to GirlOnGirls@gmail.com.