No matter how many “how-to” dating guides you devour or how many “cardinal rules” your best friends divulge, the first date with a potential mate is always a total crapshoot. You may think you have it down — the right questions to ask, the right answers to give and the perfect way to leave him wanting more. He could be perfect on paper: wonderful job, seemingly intelligent and fills out his T-shirts in all the right ways, but all of that won’t matter if there is no spark. When something does catch fire, though, the hardest question you’ll ask yourself will inevitably arise.
How long should you wait before you sleep together?
Of course, for many gay men, the answer is simple. “Why wait at all?” This is certainly a logical response if you aren’t looking for anything serious. As long as both parties are aware that the sex is transactional and doesn’t equal an emotional connection, no harm done. But if you’re searching for something more along the lines of a husband and less of a hook-up, jumping right into the sack can lead you right out of the boyfriend zone.
Just think about it. We’ve all been there before. You think you might really have something with a certain new man in your life. His text messages make you lightheaded, you swoon over all of his pictures, and his sense of humor is spot on. The chemistry is bubbling over, and you just can’t keep your hands out of his pants for one more second.
Cut to 30 hot and heavy minutes later. You achieved the release you desired, and it’s time to wash up. Sure, he’ still as cute and sweet as he was before, and you assume nothing has changed. You kiss goodbye and tentatively plan to meet up soon. As you drive back to your place, the craving to reply to the text he just sent you is considerably less intense than it was before. Now, his multiple messages throughout the night aren’t as cute — they’re a little annoying. By the next day, you realize that the visions of relationship bliss had washed down the drain with whatever else you washed off in his shower the day before.
Sex — 1; Relationship — 0.
Or worse, you’re the one with all the post coital warm and fuzzy feelings. After he leaves, you immediately start to worry that you gave it up too soon, and he won’t be as interested as he was before your zipper went down. You convince yourself that you’re just being overly sensitive, but you can’t help notice that the gap between communication grows longer and longer. We all know how this ends. By the weekend, you’re drowning yourself in a bottle of wine on the couch with your best girlfriend because the man who you thought might wind up on your wedding portfolio has now vanished from your imaginary picture frames forever.
Unfortunately, our physical inclinations can sprout, bloom and die before our emotions even have a chance to take root. Although it’s difficult, withholding the sexual element of a new relationship is sometimes the only way to allow the intellectual connection to happen. And maybe it never does, but at least you’ll know that it’s not because you, quite literally, blew your wad too soon.
Dating is always a gamble, and you sometimes end up with a losing hand no matter how you choose to play your cards. However, having sex too soon is kind of like putting all your chips on the table when you just got into the game. Sure, there’s a chance you could win big, but it’s a pretty damn small one. Most likely, you’ll end up broke before you even get started.
Heaven knows that if it’s just sex you’re looking for, being truthful about what you want will probably prove to be more beneficial in your endeavors. Lead too many husband hunters on, however, and you’ll wind up being pigeonholed as the boy who cried relationship one too many times.
When it comes to dating, always remember that you’re never the exception and always the rule. No matter how many stories you’ve heard about true love spawning out of a one-time-thing, you can’t bet on the same happening to you.
So take some of that self-control you have when it comes to resisting ice cream before pool season, and put it to use when it comes to your need to get off. Just like with the ice cream, the long-term results are most definitely worth it.
Tyler Curry is a Dallas-based writer and is the creator of The Needle Prick Project.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition March 28, 2014.