If drunky husband makes a pass whatever you do don’t go running to the wife
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Dear Jen,
My boyfriend and I live in suburbia, and we’re pretty much the token gay couple in our neighborhood. We’re friends with this straight couple who are in their 50s. And whenever the husband has a few too many at one of our parties, he flirts with us like crazy. His wife’s a good friend, but we’re wondering Should we tell the wife that her king is a queen, or risk having her find out the hard way?
Tattle Tale
Dear Tattle,
Do you ever do that thing where when you’re talking to someone with a British or Australian accent, and suddenly, you find yourself speaking with a touch of a foreign lilt? Especially when you’re drunk?
Or how about when you’re with people who are dressed all-pimped-out while you’re free-balling it in sweatpants, you kinda want to snazz it up a bit? Or when you’re with a group of people who are snorting tons of blow and shooting off guns, and you
We all have many facets to our personalities. And it sounds like cocktails at your place is the only time Mr. Suburbia ever gets the chance to let his pretty side shine.
Indeed, he may be gay or bi or whatever. But unless he crosses the line and reaches for your meat, I don’t see any reason to run and tell mommy. It won’t do anything but make her feel lousy. And most likely, it will put an unnecessary wart on your friendship.
If it makes you uncomfortable, talk to him not her. Besides, if he’s that much of a flirt, chances are she’s already aware of it, and it could be her sore spot. Sticking an unsolicited nose in other people’s marriages is never a good idea, and it should only be done in case of emergency, which this is not.
Slow-motion mojo
Dear Jen,
I’m a girl who needs help making my new girlfriend move faster in bed. She’s too shy to do much, but allows me to do whatever I want to her.
She pretty much won’t do anything to me unless I ask her to. What can I do to get her to stop being so shy?
Alpha Girl
Dear Girl,
I’m going to a karaoke birthday party tonight, and I’m dreading it. I love the people who are throwing it, and they have excellent friends. It’s just that I hate doing karaoke. I love watching it, but the thought of standing up there singing along to cheesy music freaks me out.
I’m not sure of my motivation: Am I supposed to be serious? Am I kidding? What do I do with my arms?
It wouldn’t be so bad if people would just let you be, but there’s nothing as tenacious as the drunken karaoke crowd. They’re obsessed with group participation, and exhibit a righteous expectation found only at fraternity hazings and amongst religious fanatics they cannot, will not, rest until everyone gets on the mike.
Meanwhile, back in the days when I sang in a punk band, I’d get naked and spit fake blood on the crowd. My friends who are privy to this information are indignant when I refuse their karaoke advances. But what can I say? I’m shy when it comes to karaoke. Go figure.
Your girl may just be shy about sex. Go figure. Either that, or she may just need some time to get used to new territory. This is a brand new relationship. You need to slow your roll, sister.
Sticking an unwanted fire under her butt will only burn her and burn you in return. Be grateful that she’s not too shy to do what you tell her to. Shower her with compliments. And, if you’re lucky, somewhere down the road, she’ll be singing “Love To Love You Baby” at the top of her lungs.
Jen Sincero lives in the Silver Lake area of Los Angeles. She’s a syndicated columnist and the author of “Don’t Sleep with Your Drummer” (MTV Books) and “The Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping with Chicks” (Fireside).
www.jensincero.com.
E-mail: advice@jensincero.com
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition, September 15, 2006.