Villains and the perils of internet shopping
Hello good people. Do you ever think to yourself, “There must be something wrong with me?” I think that to myself at least once a day.
The way my brain works is embarrassing. I think of the most horrible, random shit at the worst possible times. For example, the other day I was watching the documentary, Ice on Fire. It is about global warming and, basically, how screwed we all are if we don’t make major changes soon.
I zoned out for the next 30 or so minutes and had a very detailed discussion — in my head — on Thanos from the last two Avengers movies and whether or not I am actually a supervillain. I came to the conclusion that I might be evil, because I am kind of on Team Thanos.
So to remind you all, Thanos — Oh shit! Spoilers ahead, just in case there is some butthole that hasn’t gotten around to seeing it yet.
So, Thanos snaps his fingers while wearing the infinity gauntlet and — Poof! Half of the population of the universe is gone. Then five years later in the Avengers universe, and one movie later in ours, the heroes bring everyone back.
Before I proceed, I must state that I am in no way an expert on any of this. I saw the movie once, so I am just going by my very flawed memories. So don’t crucify me if I get any of this wrong, but this is how it is in my head.
So, half the population is gone. I know; very sad. Yes, it would be awful for all of us, but our planet would probably love it. Think about it: We wouldn’t use up as many resources; less carbon dioxide being put into the environment. Fifty percent fewer people could be the break our planet needs to start to heal itself.
Five years go by, and of course we adapt. We make fewer products, because the demand isn’t as great, and we find a new normal. Then — Poof again! And that missing half of the population is suddenly back.
Thank you heroes. We are all so happy to have everyone back again. But now the planet is overpopulated again. And we have to struggle to start to feed that many people again. And by the way, we are now five years older than those that came back, so fuck them.
Within weeks, grocery shelves are picked clean, and the world has to start producing things at hyper speed to catch up with demand. The ozone layer, which had been healing itself, now gets worse. The strain on everything is too much, and it leads to war, famine and pestilence.
But they got superheroes, so maybe they can fix that shit. Who knows?
My point is my brain is weird. Maybe I want to be a supervillain? Never mind; it sounds exhausting.
Now let’s talk about Amazon. That fucking Prime makes it all too easy to order the most random bullshit. What is the most ridiculous thing you have ordered on a whim? Last week, I ordered a Flip N’ Fold. Hopefully you all know what that is. I thought, “I hate folding clothes. Maybe a Flip N’ Fold will help me make my drawers and closets more organized.”
I looked on Amazon, and they sell a Flip N’ Fold knock off for $12, free shipping. I clicked “Buy Now,” and I was so excited to do laundry for the first time ever.
It’s exactly what it is supposed to be, but I will never use it again. First of all it made my back hurt having to lean over it. It turned folding a t-shirt into more work. I barely like to do work at all, but more work? No thank you.
So, does anyone want a knock-off Flip N’ Fold? Only $13.
Then I ordered an otoscope for $35. It’s a HD camera that you connect to your phone and you stick in your ear to see your wax build up — or to check for spider eggs in my case. Actually, I mostly wanted to see how well I clean out my ears, or if I have enough wax in there to make a candle. It came with attachments like little scoops that you can use to clean out your ears. But once you put them on the camera, it distorts the image. So basically all you can do with it is look.
No, of course I didn’t need it! But after a couple of cocktails it was a necessity. Plus, you never know when something might crawl into your ear and decide to stay and make your ear hole its summer home. Now I can check and see.
I also bought a gnome flipping the bird with both hands, because we are classy like that.
And I saw a late night infomercial for a flexible mirror that has a suction cup that will stick to your regular mirror. Yes, a mirror for your mirror. But this one magnifies your face by 10. It is horrifying, but I had to have it.
I just realized: I am single handedly destroying our planet by ordering so much. I am a villain.
I have never bought anything from Wish. I have a husband if I wanna get fucked. Seriously, Wish is ridiculous. I have had Wish ads pop up on my phone trying to sell me everything from crack pipes and dildos to sheer body suits for men. What kind of person do they think I am? Wish, you don’t know me.
My husband, on the other hand, has bought stuff off of Wish. He bought a Pennywise shirt in a 3X, and when it arrived six months later, it was a cheap t-shirt with an iron on and wouldn’t have fit a medium-sized child.
But did that stop him? NO! He also ordered a large bluetooth speaker for probably 10 bucks. It showed up in a box with no writing and no instructions. He messed with it for a few hours before he threw it across the backyard. I WISH I had recorded that.
Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova
