Dating while poz has its challenges, but Cassie has the tea
Do you ever have one of those days when you realize, “Oh crap! I’m an idiot.” I like to think of myself as a smart person. I know I am not a brainiac, but I did really well in school. But book learnin’ ain’t everything. Ever since I can remember, I have pronounced aspartame, the artificial sweetener in Sweet-N-Low, A-SPART-A-ME, like it was a super sweet Greek god or something. Recently, while watching the news, I saw a report on artificial sweeteners, and heard a doctor call it by its correct pronunciation, AS-PER-TAME. I thought, “Me no smart.” I guess that’s what I get for laughing at Shia Labouf for calling Michael Douglas the “EPI-TOME of strength” when he was trying to say epitome. Karma is a fickle bitch. Lesson learned. Now let’s see how smart I am by answering some questions.
Dearest Timeless Cassie, Upon moving to Dallas some years ago, I immediately became involved with various charities — AIDS service orgs, to be specific. My parents always instilled the “give back” attitude, and I wanted to take that with me to my new home here in Big D.
Several years later, I found myself sitting at the Resource Center on Reagan with a tester holding my hand while I cried after getting my test results. Irony.
Since then, I’ve been terrified of dating. I’ve asked several poz friends if I should tell a guy of my HIV status before a date, during a casual date or wait until before sex.
Occasionally, a date happens before sex. I believe it’s important to be honest if your goal is to have someone as a potential husband or partner for any length of time. I’ve had HIV-positive sex partners during this time, but I’m terrified of rejection or having my personal health business spread all over town. You know how that goes: What happens in Dallas will be all over Dallas tomorrow!
I took one friend’s advice after a guy asked me out, so we went on a causal coffee date one evening a few weeks after I was diagnosed. I told him I was positive after we sat and chatted for about an hour. He stood up, said “Good luck!” and walked away from the table. I cried for days! I don’t expect everyone to react that way, but his reaction really has stuck with me. I know of poz/neg couples out there, and that’s not necessarily what I’m saying I want. Dear Goddesses, throw me a bone! That may or may not be a metaphor.
I want to start dating again; however this part of my life is making dating emotionally difficult. What are your thoughts? — POZitively Hopeful
Dear POZ, First I wanna say your sense of humor and honesty about this subject is refreshing. The stigma about someone being HIV-positive is hopefully changing by more people being honest about it. A lot of people don’t realize that being HIV-positive is not a death sentence anymore, thanks to great antiviral medications and healthy living. But I also get that you don’t want everyone in Dallas knowing your tea. You know…Television. Telephone. Tell a queer.
Regarding the “Good luck” guy, consider telling men about your status to be a test. It’s a great way to weed out the closed-minded douche bags you don’t need to waste your time on any ways.
I also agree that you should tell someone before y’all have sex. A note for guys who want to stay negative: Treat every partner as though they are positive and you will be less likely to do something to put yourself at risk. Always play safe.
Have you tried dating services like Pozmatch or ThePositiveConnection.com? You are not alone. There are many positive single good guys in our community so stay positive and keep looking. That sounded corny didn’t it? Sorry. But outlook is everything. Give someone the opportunity to love everything about you. Good Luck, Cassie
Dear Cassie, What is the most important product used by a drag queen? Curiously, K.W.
Dear K.W., That question has way too many answers. For me, I have to have foam padding for my big ol’ ass. Without my curves I feel very mannish. Other queens, like Asia O’Hara, might say it’s a fierce wig and a strong fan for it to blow in, like Beyonce. Edna Jean might say cosmic blue eye shadow. Krystal Summers and Valerie Lohr might say vodka. Ok, to be honest, I think we would all say vodka. Oh yea, a MAC lip pencil. I love their lip liners. See, way too many answers. — Cassie.
Hey guys, I am in need of some more great questions. So please ask anything. Whoever said there are no stupid questions was a moron, but sometimes those are my favorites. So keep them coming. Remember that if I, The Almighty Cassie Nova, can feel stupid sometimes, you can cut yourself a little slack when you have one of those days. Love more! Bitch less! And be fabulous!!! XOXO, Cassie Nova.
If you have a question and want to suggest for Ask a Drag Queen — or just have some juicy gossip to share — email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition October 3, 2014.