The Always There
Good day beautiful people. This one won’t be for everybody, and I kinda feel like it may be a bad idea to write this … But fuck it — here goes.
I do not consider myself someone that gets depressed. I get down sometimes, and my mood can get very dark at times. But, for the most part, I am a fairly upbeat person.
That being said, I have a thing that lives in my head that I have started to call “The Always There.” You know what I mean; it is the voice in your head that constantly has something negative to say.
This is in no way a cry for help or a “Woe is me” kind of thing. But I am hoping that sharing this might help someone feel like they are not the only one that feels this way.
This week, I wrote down every time my Always There had something to say. Just so you know, I do not recommend doing this. There is something so awful about seeing your dark thoughts written down; it feels very unhealthy. The quickness with which the page filled up over a couple of days made me uncomfortable.
For the record, these thoughts are just a flash, and I don’t give them much brain time. But they are a constant — literally, always there, behind every regular thought, weird thought, sex thought, funny thought, sad or mad thought.
A constant.
I passed by a mirror and … “You look so fucking old. You are ugly. Your body is weird. You look gayer every day. Everyone is thinking it.”
Then, with a forced smile in the mirror, those thoughts are pushed to the back.
I am staring at my phone, waiting for my husband to get home from work, and my mind starts to wonder: “He secretly hates you. He wishes you were more talented. He wishes you weren’t so lazy. He will be happier when you die. He regrets … you.”
Then he pulls into the driveway, and I take the dogs out to greet Daddy. As he gets out of the car he says, “Hey Baybey!” in a puffed-lip Elvis impersonation, and my mind is refreshed and smiling like a giddy young queen with his first crush.
I walk into Walmart to grab some groceries, and suddenly: “Faggot! They all hate queers, and you are the biggest one. They are pointing you out to their friends and laughing at you. Don’t make eye contact with anybody, especially men. They will punch you and call you faggot, and no one will come to help you or stand up for you. You are alone. You are weak and everyone here knows it.”
Then I hear a kind “Hey, how’ve you been?” from an older lady with a crooked smile. She has worked there for years and is always friendly, and I snap out of it. I stand up straight and hold my head up. And I remind myself that I was not born to fit in; I was born to stand out — eyebrows and all.
That night, as we got ready for bed, the voice started up again: “No sex tonight, of course. He’s not attracted to you. He never was. He wishes you had a bigger dick. He’s bored with you. Could you blame him if he cheats on you? You are hideous. It’s just a matter of time before he leaves you for someone actually attractive.”
Then he lays his leg on my leg and curls his foot into mine. My mind calms, and my heart smiles. This simple touch is like a brain reset that forces the Always There to the farthest reaches of my mind.
A few days later, I am at the club in the dressing room, and here it comes: “The other entertainers hate you. You are a horrible boss and a worse friend. You are a poser. It is just a matter of time before everyone realizes you are an imposter.
You don’t belong here. You don’t deserve this. You didn’t earn the right to be here. No one thinks you are funny. They are laughing at you — at you, not your jokes. You are too old to be of value to the show.”
Then I knock myself out of that bullshit. I remember who the fuck I am. I am Cassie Fuckin’ Nova! Truthfully, somedays it is easier being her.
I still have more than half of a page of the bad thoughts, but I think you get the point. Honestly, I don’t want to share anymore of what I wrote.
I just set off the smoke detector. I burned that shitty piece of paper. It felt good.
My Always There is always gonna be there. Somedays it’s louder; somedays it screams. Mostly, I keep it in check. I let it hum way back in the back of my thoughts. You learn to live with it.
My heart goes out to anyone that has an out of control Always There, stirring up sadness, depression and anxiety.
I need to listen to my inner Cassie Nova more. She is the enemy of the Always There, and after what I saw on that piece of paper, she is going to war! Wish us luck!
Oh, and remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova