Owning a house!
Good day good people. Owning a home is the American dream, and my house is my favorite place on the planet.
But some days … some days, I fucking hate it.
My husband Jamie and I moved into our house in 2006. We have worked hard to make it the oasis that it has become. But when something breaks or fucks up — then it’s all on you, baby.
It never fails that if one thing breaks, many things break. I think it’s like Murphy’s Law or some shit. Screw you, Murphy. You suck, and everyone hates you.
Last week our electricity went off. We knew it wasn’t from a storm; it was a beautiful, very warm day. We sat there for a few minutes waiting for it to come back on, since usually, when we lose power, it clicks back on pretty quickly.
Patience is not something we have much of, and after about 60 seconds, Jamie goes outside and realizes that it is just our house that has lost electricity.
He goes to check our weirdly-placed breaker box, and the main breaker has flipped. He turns it back on, and we are back in business. The sound of all of our electronics beeping and powering up is music to my ears. (If I am left with my own thoughts for too long, shit gets weird.)
Jamie notices that the breakers are really hot. We’ve known for a while that we need to update our electrical system. But hot breakers turning off my air conditioning was the kick in the pants we needed to call an electrician.
Jamie had someone there the next day. The electrician gave us a temporary fix, and plans were made to fix all things electrical. It is not going to be cheap either. I get heartburn when we gotta spend a lot of money, but at least it is gonna be fixed soon.
Then, last night, Miss A.C. decided to go out. Not to get too technical, but I think the flux capacitor stopped fluxing. The thingy that does the actual cooling ain’t workin. It is still blowing but like Mr. Cheeto Tinyhands, it’s just hot air.
No air conditioning in August in Texas is definitely a punishment from that blue guy with the drag queens from the Olympics that pissed a bunch of people off.
Luckily, we have a window unit in our bedroom. We keep that room at a soothing 65 degrees, so I will be camped out in my bedroom until this uncomfortable nightmare is over. Y’all please pray for me.
Yes, owning a home has its issues, and when it rains, it pours. There is always another project or upgrade that needs to get done, but this place is ours. It is completely paid for. We made the last payment about two years ago, and I am so proud of us — well, mostly Jamie. He is the hardest-working person I have ever met. I guess it’s true; opposites attract.
I remember living in an apartment in the Gayborhood. A small part of me misses it: the convenience of being so close to work and just about everyone I knew; always having someone close by to go eat with or go out with at a moment’s notice; needing just a cheap cab ride home if you’d had too much to drink. And if something broke in your apartment, you called the manager, and it would get fixed — eventually.
Boy, have I changed. My favorite days now are when I don’t have to leave the house for anything, and bonus points if I don’t have to put on clothes. I am truly happiest in my underwear, surrounded by dogs and within arm’s reach of snacks and the remote. If loungin’ and relaxin’ were an Olympic sport, I would be a gold-medal-winning phenomenon.
Good news everyone: In the time it took me to write the paragraphs above, my air conditioning got fixed. The cool air is back on.
My amazing husband found someone working on a Saturday morning, and, 20 minutes after he arrived, happiness in the form of cool, cool air conditioning. I highly recommend getting you a man that gets shit done.
Next week, when the electrician comes back, I will be taking my three dogs and going to a hotel. He said it would probably take 12 to 15 hours to do everything that needs to get done. That is 12 to 15 hours of no electricity.
No thank you.
I will pretend that I am in witness protection and hide out with my kids. I will peep out the window of the hotel constantly to make sure we were not followed. I will wear oversized shades when the pizza delivery guy shows up, praying that he doesn’t recognize me. I will pay for everything in cash so there is no paper trail.
I will use the fake I.D. I bought from a guy at Town East Mall called Lil’ PeePee. My new name is Amanda Phuc, and I am a buyer for J.C.Penny.
If the electricity isn’t fixed by that night, we will disappear and start a new life in Maine. I will become a lobster catcher person and never look back on those days without power.
Or we might just get some gas for the generator.
Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova