The day Aunt Sparky racked me
Hey y’all. When I was in the 4th grade, I was hit so hard in the balls I peed blood. Do I have your attention?
It was awful.
We were living with my grandparents in Garland. The house was full: It was Grandma, Grandpa, my Aunt Tammy (who was in high school), my Aunt Sparky (who was all of three years older than I), my sister Brandy and me.
Sparky — whose real name was Yolanda — and I fought all of the time. As kids, we were awful to each other. But as adults, she was one of my favorite people on the planet. When we lived with the grandparents, she was my nemesis. She always insisted I “respect my elders!” She was in 7th grade, so she was my elder — I guess.
Every freakin’ day, all day long, all I ever heard was, “Momma, Jamie is doing this,” “Momma, Jamie said that.” Her favorite thing to say was, “I’m telling Momma,” which back then was scary because my grandma was the devil. Little old woman who was the devil — little always ready to beat someone’s ass with a flip-flop or whatever she found close by. What’s funny is, now my grandma is so sweet to me and my husband, but when I was a kid — I tells ya, she was the devil.
On this one particular rainy day, we were watching TV. Sparky was on the couch, and I was lying on the floor next to the couch. We were arguing over what we were going to watch. She wanted to watch soap operas, and I wanted to watch I Love Lucy and Green Acres. I was so addicted to TV;
I could literally tell you what time it was by what was on the boob tube. The TV Guide that came in the Sunday paper was my bible.
Since Sparky was older, she insisted she got to pick what we watched. Me being the little asshole I was, I decided to sing the Green Acres theme over and over again, getting louder and louder. By the time I got to “New York is where I’d rather stay! I get allergic smelling hay!” — in my best Eva Gabor voice — for the third time, Sparky screamed and rolled off the couch and kneed me in the nuts. I was prepubescent so she just got lucky with her aim.
Even though my ’nads were tiny and underdeveloped, that shit still hurt. It was the first time in my life I literally saw stars, just like in cartoons. I had never experienced pain like that before. I honestly think I might have lost consciousness for a second or two.
When I finally could even think again, Sparky was telling me to shut up, and I could watch whatever I wanted if I would just keep quiet. I took full advantage of the situation; I changed the channel and sat there holding my nuts, waiting on the pain to go away. I told her I was gonna tell if she didn’t go make me a glass of tea with extra ice. She might have growled at me, but she did it.
That cold glass of sweet tea against my li’l bitty balls was pure heaven. Then, about 20 minutes later, I went to the bathroom to pee, and I was in heaven no more. It kinda hurt to get the stream flowing, and when it finally began to trickle out, it was red.
I saw stars all over again and started screaming for my grandma. I was dizzy and pissing all over the toilet and floor.
When grandma finally opened the door, it had to have looked like a crime scene. She was so shocked her unfiltered Pall Mall cigarette fell out of her mouth and onto the floor.
By then the pee coming out was mostly pink. Still, I was freaking out. I immediately started to cry and told her, “Sparky did it!”
They called my mom, who was at work, and she left to come take me to the doctor’s office. After being fondled for the first time by a man (jk), I was sent home with nothing but a bag of ice for my testes. He said it should be okay in the next few days. He said they were basically bruised.
I’m sure Sparky got a whoopin,’ and we both got yelled at for not being able to get along. All a day in the life of a burgeoning sarcastic asshole that always had to get in the last word.
For the next few weeks, anytime I needed to get my way, I would just grab my balls at her and complain about the pain. She would roll her eyes but eventually gave in to whatever it was I wanted …
Good times.
I’m glad Sparky and I became close as adults. We still picked on each other a little bit because, to some, that is how we show love. She was not shy about the crush she had on my husband, and she flirted with him openly — in front of me and in front of her own husband. I thought it was cute.
She’d look at my husband and say, “He can’t be gay.” I’d always say that the stuff he does to me in bed proves otherwise. She’d act shocked and shake her head — but always with a smile.
We lost Sparky back in 2016, and I miss her so much. She was always the first person to call me on my birthday or just some random Tuesday, just to say hello and that she loved me. I think of her all of the time, especially if I see a good nut punch on TV. Ouch!
Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova