‘Tis the of the White Elephant Gift Exchange

Murry Chrimas er’body. If you are like me, you have a bunch of Christmas parties to go to — or you have already been to a few. I love this time of year for that reason alone. Between our company party, our friends’ Christmas party, my family’s Christmas dinner and my own on Christmas day, I am fully booked.

By the time this article comes out, I will have already been to our friends’ Christmas party where we do the white elephant gift exchange, so I feel I can talk about the gifts my husband and I are taking. I am way too proud of these ridiculous gifts, although not as proud as I was of the insanely giant dildo we took last year. It was defiantly a GAG gift (well. for some of them but not all). Raquel Blake ended up with it, and I hear she uses it to unclog her toilet because of the suction cup on the base of it.

For the record, if you go to a white elephant gift exchange party and bring a shitty gift, you are an asshole. To me, the whole point is for everyone to end up with something that is fun or is an actual good gift.

If you are worried that your gift sucks, add a bottle of Vodka. Vodka makes everything better — except for an AA meeting. Then things can get awkward.

So, this year one of the gifts I am excited to give is that ridiculous blanket that looks like a giant tortilla. Who doesn’t want to be a human burrito? (I am not talking about in a Jeffery Dahmer way.) I know it’s stupid, but secretly, I think I want one, too.

It is not something you would buy for yourself, but if someone got it for you as a gift, you’d be like, “Hey cool. I’m a warm burrito.) Lay it in the grass and bask in the sun as a tostada. You know I couldn’t resist wrapping my puppies up in it and making a doggy chimichanga!

But just in case whoever ends up with the giant tortilla blanket hates it, it will also have a bottle of vodka with it … just in case.

The other gift I am crazy excited to give this year is a Build-A-Bear dressed as Cousin Eddie from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. It is so stupidly adorable. You can almost picture him saying, “Shitter’s full.” That has to be one of the best Christmas movies ever made, and I have watched it so many times that I can quote just about every line.

I think it is such a good gift, I don’t think it even needs a bottle of vodka. But if my friends read this and find out it could have had liquor with it, I know they will be disappointed.

My point is, I want people to fight over our gifts. White elephant parties are only fun if there is drama and possible bloodshed over a gift you never knew you needed.

We went to a white elephant party years ago — a family function — and some cheap jerk wrapped a roll of toilet paper. It wasn’t even two-ply! It really fucked with the flow of the night; we all looked at each other like what the fuck?

The gift I brought was perfect for a party: a beautiful picture frame. Of course, it had an autographed picture of Cassie Nova in the frame, but it was still a great frame. Bitch, I don’t care if you take my picture out when you got home, you still ended up with a sickening frame!

My husband took a great gift that year too: He took a fabulous frame with an hilarious photo of him posed on a giant gorilla concrete sculpture we have in our front yard. (Don’t ask.) Great frame plus a great photo equals a great gift.

Seriously, our goofy framed autographed photos of ourselves were the only gifts that people actually kept stealing. That’s a big deal, if you know how a white elephant gift works.

One year at a very gay white elephant party at Michael Riley’s house — I swear every employee from Station 4 was there — I ended up with a great pair of silicone breastasiz. Imagine: A drag queen fighting for some fake titties! It took a whole lot of good luck and conniving to make sure I ended up with those boobies!

It was a random gift but perfect for a white elephant. I don’t remember who brought them, but with that crowd, that night — they were a hot ticket item.

I love getting gifts; who doesn’t? But I really love it when the stars align, and you think of the perfect gift to get someone. It is so hard to buy for my husband or my friends. The great thing about being an adult is, you get to buy yourself what you want, when you want it. It’s cool and all — until Christmas comes around, and you have no idea what to get your spouse, because as soon as you know he wants something, you get it for him. And he does the same for me.

I know what you are thinking: What a great problem to have. And you are right … #blessed #thankful and all that crap. But this year, I need some inspiration in the husband gift department.

We’ve been together almost 17 years, and I have gotten him some of the most random gifts. One year I bought him a star and named it after us. Stupid. Basically, I paid $29.99 for a piece of paper that proved I’m gullible and sometimes a hopeless romantic.

I’m also famous for buying him all things he can control remotely — toy cars, planes, robots, drones, you name it, and more than likely, I have given it to him for Christmas, just so he can use it a few times and then it sits, collecting dust … for all of eternity.

He loves tools but they are so impersonal. He really wants that new Jeep truck called the Gladiator, but bitch, I ain’t new car rich! I’m maybe a toy-Jeep -Truck-with-a-remote-control rich. But I don’t know if they even make those. Plus, wouldn’t that be kind of a dick gift?

So, wish me luck that I find him the perfect gift, if such a thing even exists. He’s the love of my life and deserves the world, but I’m a drag queen on a budget — so maybe just a globe. Oh crap, I got him a globe five years ago. Dammit!

Oh well … .

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO and happy holidays! Cassie Nova