Cassie goes on the hunt
As many of you know, I have a huge Sulcata tortoise named Ruby, so I thought I would keep you updated on her latest adventures. For the record, Ruby is a dude. I named her Ruby before I knew what sex she was, and since I’m a drag queen and call many of my male friends “Girl!” we decided, after we saw her penis (gross!) that we would just call her by her drag name. (Her legal name that she absolutely hates is Thurston Howel D’Tort De Soie.) You don’t want to upset Miss Ruby — she can be a disruptive and destructive bitch.
The Friday afternoon of Dallas Pride Weekend I was resting up for what was going to be a very long few days for me. I had a show at SMU that night before my regular gig in the Rose Room. That Saturday we did an afternoon performance at the Pride Festival, plus our regular show that night, then Sunday was the Parade with our Rose Room show later that night. I was in drag a whole bunch that weekend.
Anyhoo, on Friday I was sitting in my living room in a pair of short-shorts and a T-shirt looking 50 shades of homeless when I get a call from our neighbor. She is a teacher at the elementary school across the street from us. She said, “I think Ruby got out of your backyard.” She said that one of the other teachers just sent her a photo of a huge “turtle” walking through her yard. (For the record, Ruby is a tortoise, but most people call her a turtle and I don’t correct them.)
I went into panic mode and took off running outside to find my shelled child. I checked next door, I ran frantically up and down our street, I checked the backyard just to make sure she was missing. I told myself maybe there is another one in the neighborhood. Then I saw the wire fence that she destroyed and knew that it was Ruby. It was a regular cyclone gate that now reminded me of a cartoon when Wile E. Coyote would run through a wall and there would be a perfect outline of his body. She pushed so hard on the gate that the wire bent making the shape of her shell.
I called the teacher back to ask exactly where the pic showed her because I couldn’t find her. She, being a good neighbor, said her class was at recess and she had time to help me look. She’s very sweet. We both went walking into other people’s yards looking under bushes and under porches but we couldn’t find her.
Then a little boy across at the school yelled in a very country voice, “Hey mister, did you lose a turtle?” I said yes and went over to the growing crowd of kids. He told me, “It went thataway!” pointing into the woods in the opposite direction. I thanked him and turned just in time to see a police officer pull up.
I am not sure what he must have thought: A kind of effeminate, 46-year-old barefoot man with very arched eyebrows in short shorts and a dirty T-shirt talking to a bunch of elementary kids at a fence. I’m surprised he didn’t pull out his taser right then but all he asked was, “What are they trying to get you to do?” I said they are just helping me find my 140-somethin’ pound turtle. He shook his head in confusion and said “What?” I said , “My giant tortoise got loose and I am trying to find her.”
Without a bit of hesitation he jumped out of his car and said he would help. So we trekked out into the wooded area near our house to find my runaway turtle. Officer Nick was maybe 30, well-built and very handsome and could not have been more enthusiastic about helping me find Ruby.
We get about 100 yards into the wooded area and I heard something. He had just said that he didn’t think we would be able to find her if she didn’t leave us a trail. I informed him that she was huge and more than likely we would be able to hear her if she was on the move.
Remember that scene in Jurassic Park when you hear the branches breaking before the dinosaur pops into frame? That’s what we heard. We ran toward the sound and found her. Officer Nick just said “Dammmnnnn! She is a big turtle. No one is going to believe this.” Ruby was about to head down into a ravine but luckily she had gotten tangled in some vines before she got too far down the hill. We carried the big bitch back up the hill but we knew we couldn’t carry her the entire way back — she is very strong and every once in a while would kick. I have had a few bruises from being kicked by that devil so I told him to be careful.
I asked him if he would stay with her while I went and got a wheeled cart. I ran back to the house and grabbed some shoes and the cart. We loaded her on and pushed her big ass back up to the road. The size of the group of kids at the school had tripled by the time we made it out of the woods, and when they saw that we had her they all cheered. It was adorable. I thanked the little country boy for his help and we rolled her home. Officer Nick helped me get her back in our yard and as we both stood there trying to catch our breath he asked if he could get a picture with her. “Of course,” I said, and took a pic of him lifting Ruby and smiling. I thanked him and told him how much I appreciated the help. It would have taken me hours to get her back by myself.
I proceeded to cuss Ruby like a red-headed stepchild. I wagged my finger at her a shouted how disappointed I was in her and that I was so worried. She just stared at me for a second then started to eats some grass, unbothered. I then covered the hole she made with an old piece of wood from our old porch and wired it in place. I also put a few huge ass rocks in front of it for good measure to make sure her great escape didn’t happen again.
Fast forward to the next Thursday and my husband Jamie sends me a pic of the Midlothian Mirror, our local newspaper. On the cover was the pic of Officer Nick holding Ruby in my backyard with the headline “The Turtle Whisperer.” They wrote a lovely article about how Officer Nick saved the day. It was very cool. My only issue with the article was when Nick was telling his accounts of the story he referred to me as an “older gentleman.” Ouch! That hurt me in my heart. That was the first time I have been called an older gentleman. Y’all know I live in my own reality, with youthful rose tinted glasses. Oh, well, the only way you don’t grow old is by dying so I’ma try to get to be as old as I can. Fuck it!
I guess the moral is, always look your best when are sitting at home because you never know what the day may bring you. On the upside of it, I did get a new strong wooden fence that Ruby cannot get through. Well, fingers crossed.
Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.
