Sometimes we are the bullies
Hello, my people. How’s life? In my last column, I talked about my bullies growing up. Well, this week I found out that I was —unintentionally — a bully myself. I am not saying I have never bullied anyone before this, because I am sure I have. Being a drag queen with a loud mouth, some people don’t always take you the way intended … or maybe they do, but let’s not psychoanalyze too much. My point is, it was brought to my attention that I have been hurting someone’s feelings for years, so I want to own up to it and apologize.
I apologize to Melissa, my friend of more than 20 years, for a nickname I used on her. What I thought was just a light-hearted nickname was actually hurting her feelings, and now looking back I get it. Not everyone thinks like I do, and I see where offense could be taken. I wish I could have heard her or been more receptive to what she was saying when she tried to tell me she didn’t like it. But alas, I am thick-headed and didn’t take the hints. I would like to share my side of the story.
Years ago, a bunch of drag queens (me, Onyx, Aspen Tyler and a few others) were joking that most of us were gaining weight and should have big girl names. It was just stupid, backstage, drunk queen banter. Onyx was Black Zilla, I was Sue Weeee Nami (cuz I am a pig), Aspen was Wilda Beast and someone else was Watta Beast. It became a thing for us for a while. So when I heard someone call Melissa “Chewbacca,” I figured it was the same thing. After that, every time I saw Melissa I’d said “Hey, Chewy” … just like I would say “Hey, Zilla” to Onyx. Sometimes I would make the Chewbacca sound at her and sometimes she would do it back. I loved that someone else spoke Shyriiwook, the Wookiee language. I honestly never thought it bothered her. (Side note: If you know me at all, you know that I am a huge Star Wars fan almost to the point of obsession. Chewbacca is one of the all-time best things about Star Wars. I swear I have two different stuffed Chewbaccas in my bedroom. Better than any teddy bear ever.) When I called her Chewy, it came from a place of love. It wasn’t like I called her Jabba or Jar-Jar.
A few weeks ago, Melissa posted on Facebook where she sounded hurt and was reading someone for filth. When I saw the post, I was like, “Wait a minute, I just saw her.” That was the first time it ever occurred to me that the Chewbacca thing might be bothering her. I reached out to her and asked if she was OK. I got crickets. That let me know that her post was absolutely about me. So I made a mental note that the next time I saw Melissa I would pull her aside to talk about it.
Last Monday, I did just that.
She let me know that my name-calling has always bothered her and that she was even told that I was the person that started it. I was not, but I did run with it. She said that over the years she has even tried to tell me that it bothered her by saying things like, “Is that even funny?” or “Isn’t that played out?,” which I either never heard or didn’t get what she was trying to say. I can be an idiot sometimes, and if you need to say something to me — you should just come out and say it. I am not close friends with subtlety.
Even while I was trying to explain my side of the story and apologize, I was rude to another friend of hers who came up and interrupted us. I joked that the adults were talking or something like that. Whatever I said, it came off more rude than funny. So now I need to apologize to him! Ugh! I have a problem.
I want to take a moment to publicly say a big “I’m sorry” to Melissa. I met you the first year I competed in Miss Texas America. You did a full Mariah Carey illusion and I did Taylor Dayne. We supported each other then and I like to think we will continue to support each other and be friends. I honestly never meant to hurt your feelings, and hope we can move past this.
My point is, sometimes you are bullied, and sometimes you are the bully. It is all about perspective. My mouth and frenetic energy can sometimes get in the way of me seeing what’s in front of me, but when I know better, I do better.
Moving on, let me help the downtrodden.
Dear Cassie, Do you ever give money to homeless people? I am always torn on whether or not to do it. I feel like most of them are scammers, but I don’t know when someone is actually in need. It makes me feel guilty, and I hate it. Signed, Guilty for no reason.
Dear Guilty, I totally get it. We’ve all seen the news story of the homeless guy on the corner with a sign that pulls at your heartstrings, just to find out he drives a Mercedes and he’s actually a professional beggar. Or the disabled woman that begs all day then when she gets around the corner she walks fine and the only thing weighing her down is her purse. Seeing stuff like that can make you cynical. I don’t have a good answer for when you should help someone on the street or not. To help with your guilt, give to an organization that helps or feeds the homeless. The thing that gets me is seeing a homeless person with I dog. I have been known to buy food for a homeless person and his dog just to make sure the dog is eating.
One guy asked me for some money one day. When I said I didn’t have any cash, he pulled out his phone with a credit card reader and said I could charge it. I rolled my eyes and said no thanks and got called a bitch as I walked away. There are a lot of homeless people out there in need and each has their own story. Use your heart to decide when and where to give. You can’t go wrong if you do that.
Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova.
If you have a question or comment, email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.