The drag show in your mind

Hey y’all. Do you miss going out to see a good ol’ drag show? I do too, so I hope you enjoy this: Picture yourself sitting in the Rose Room. You have a cute little cocktail that you got from Sandy, the bartender. He flirted with you as he made you a vodka soda, and your friend talked you into doing a shot, arm twist not needed. You said, “Make me something fruity,” so of course gay jokes ensued. Then Sandy made you his signature shot, called a “My Pussy.” Its super sweet and delicious, and you all chuckled when one of your friends inevitably made a “I don’t want any pussy in my drink” joke.

You and your group of fun-loving gays got there early enough that you were able to get good seats. So you’ve had your shot; you have your drink, and now y’all are sitting and waiting for the show to start while listening to DJ Marge play some music that just gets you even more in the mood for a good show.

Y’all sing along to the songs you know and gossip about whichever friend isn’t sitting with you. He just went to get you another round of drinks, and you are talking shit about him. It’s just bitchy queens being bitchy queens, but you feel a pang of guilt as you wonder if they talk about you when you are not in front of them. You know they do, but you shrug it off and make a mental note to try not to be roped into talking shit.

But the night is young, and the cocktails are good.

It is 11:07 and the show still hasn’t started — typical drag time. Just as you are about to comment on it, you hear Cassie Nova’s unmistakable voice say, “Good Evening!” And BOOM! Just like that, the overture starts. The crowd’s excitement builds as you look around and realize the room has gotten packed. You think, “Thank God we got here when we did.” There’s a really good energy in the room; you can feel it. Or maybe it’s the slight buzz you are feeling.

The curtains open, and there is Jenna Skyy singing the first verse of “Bang Bang.” You tell everyone around you that this is one of your favorite songs as you cheer and sing along. Then Layla Larue joins Jenna on stage for the Arianna part. Your friend tells you how much he loves the background as he “YAAASSSSS’s!” for all to hear.

But then he damn near loses his mind when Krystal Summers Nicki Minajes her way onto stage with the most adorable white girl dance strut.

The choreo is on point, and you can tell that they are having fun. The song ends, and the crowd is surprisingly loud. They are living, and you think to yourself, “I think I want to try doing drag one day, maybe for Halloween.” Your mind floods with a thousand ideas of dresses and wigs, but you are cut off by Cassie’s mouth bringing the girls off stage. You love Cassie’s monologue, even if sometimes it goes on a bit too long.

Cassie Nova makes fun of a girl in the front row for wearing a dress that’s way too short: “I can read your lips!” For a second the girl is mortified, but she laughs it off and flashes her business at Cassie who starts to make throwing up sounds. Everyone is laughing or wide-eyed. Your friend says, “That bitch is crazy!” You agree.

Cassie then sets her sights on a hot straight dude. She pulls him onstage. He is bigger than her, taller and very muscular, yet there is a slight look of fear and panic in his eyes. The things that big, red-headed drag queen gets away with absolutely shock you and make you really want to do drag. You know what is coming, and of course straight guy falls for it: Cassie asks for a kiss on the cheek before he leaves, and he leans in to kiss her cheek. But she turns right in time to plant a big ol’ kiss on his mouth. He jumps back, shaking his head and wiping his lips, but the damage is done.

The crowd losses their mind as they scream and cheer.

The straight guy gets a free shot and has a surprisingly good attitude about the whole situation. You think to yourself that times are changing, and it makes you smile.

Cassie then makes God knows how much money by charging 20 bucks to give the many bridal parties a shout out. You are surprised at how many bridal parties there are; you have counted at least five groups. You think, “God, I hope they don’t get too out of control!” You and your friends give the whole thing a major eye roll.

The next entertainer on stage is Kelexis Davenport. That bitch’s titties are huge! You wonder if her back hurts from carrying all them breasteses. She is surprisingly nimble; she must have been a cheerleader or something.

As Cassie is about to bring on the next entertainer, some girl on the other side of the room yells, “Asia O’Hara!!” But Cassie breaks the girl’s heart by telling her that Asia isn’t here tonight: “Asia is in Vegas, or China or Timbuktu. Who knows?! But she will be back in a few weeks, and we all miss her.”

Cassie brings out Sasha Andrews. She is one of your new favorites. She bucks to JLo as the entire room seems to be singing along. She flings her hair so hard you worry it is going to fly off. Your friend tells you that is all her hair, and for a brief second you hate her for her beautiful, thick hair.

Next is the special guest Kennedy Davenport. Wow! Just wow! High kicks, cartwheels, drop splits — You think to yourself, “If she had done this on Drag Race, she for sure would have won.” You get a little annoyed at all of the people standing in the way trying to tip. You must look like a snake, bobbing your head side to side to see Kennedy. You and your friends have never YASSS QUEEN’d so much in your life.

Then sultry Krystal Summers slinks and rolls around the floor to Selena Gomez. Krystal was one of the first queens you ever saw, so she will always be a favorite.

Layla comes back out with huge, blue afro-ish hair and a blue iridescent costume. You love the disco mix she does and surprise yourself by how many of the songs you know every word of. You realize when Cassie calls her Layla LaRue that her name isn’t actually Layla Motherfuckin’ LaRooooo.

Finally, Jenna closes the first show with a cool-ass Maleficent number. She has green lights for eyes and covers the room with green lasers shooting from her fingers. It is amazing!

You stay for most of the second show but really want to go downstairs and dance. Plus, there is always the chance of meeting a boy that gives you butterflies. So, you and your slightly inebriated band of merry Marys leave the Rose Room, waving at everyone as you go. You look as you walk out the door, hoping that one day you will perform on that stage. You leave inspired.

Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova