Cassie nearly abducted by aliens!!!!
Hey everyone, did I ever tell you about the time I thought I was being abducted by aliens? No? Well, here’s the tea. The year was 1999 and I had a show in Longview, so I borrowed my good girlfriend Celeste Martinez’s car. It was going to be a cute little trip all by myself to perform at one of my favorite places to go, Decisions. Grandma Porkey, the show director there, was one of the first people to book me outside of DFW. It was a road trip, party of one.
The show went great and I got out of drag, and loaded up the car to head home. Now, I don’t know if you have ever seen someone fresh out of drag, but I probably looked like one of those creepy underground creatures from that movie The Descent. I worked nights, rarely went out into daylight and had little to no eyebrows… creepy. And of course, I had used waterproof mascara. That stuff is a bitch to get off, so I probably had dark-ringed eyes. (This took place before I found Albolene, the best make up remover ever; back then, I just used baby oil so I was a greasy mess.) Add to all this the fact I never wear any of my nice clothes after I get out of drag because leftover make up gets on everything. Needless to say, I probably looked homeless, too, but it was 2:30 in the morning, I was tired and I didn’t care.
Right outside Longview on Interstate 20, I am bopping along, singing show tunes at the top of my lungs when this sinister looking fog rolls in. Suddenly, I was enveloped in this thick-as-semen haze. I could not see but a few feet in front of the car. I slowed down, white knuckling the steering wheel — it was intense. I drove for what seemed like forever but might have been just a few miles; I had no real concept of distance or time. The only thing I could see besides my headlights reflecting off the water droplets in the fog was the occasional red taillights of other cars whipping past me on the left.
Then it happened. The radio, all the lights in the dashboard and my headlights, all started to dim. The song that was playing sounded like a record player slowing down, lower and lower, to silence. I am a huge X Files fan and just knew I was about to be abducted by aliens. I had seen it happen a hundred times on TV — a lonely road then the car loses power. I was just waiting for the blinding white light from above. That’s when I realized I was coasting; the car was completely without power, but I was still rolling along and slowing down. I thought, “Bitch, I am still on the highway!” I could hear 18 wheelers whizzing past me, but the fog had gotten so thick I could not even see their lights. I was scared to death. All I could think was I am about to get rear-ended to death, and not in a good way.
I coasted to the side of the road and took the first exit, then turned off the frontage road at the first place I could. The car rolled to a stop at some kind of big gate. It was hard to make out anything it was so dark. I knew I wasn’t too far from the highway because I could still hear cars going by in the distance. This was before I had a cellphone so I was on my own. Clueless as to where I was or what to do, I figured I would walk up to the gate to see if I could find a place with a payphone. See kids, back in the day we had these things called payphones. You put coins inside to make calls. It was very primitive and barbaric.
Anyway, I opened the car door and I heard something rustling out in the fog … and it was close. I slammed the door and thought, nope! I ain’t going nowhere. It was getting cold without the heater, so I decided to climb in the backseat with my drag and try to get some sleep. I took out a couple of costumes and covered up with them. I had a pair of bellbottoms covering one arm and a beaded dress over the other. I used a wig head for a pillow and believe it or not I slept for a little while.
When I woke up a little while later, I could see a pair of headlights off to my left. I figured I would go ask that person for some help. It was still darkish, the sun wasn’t up yet but the sky had lightened up a bit and there was less fog. As I got closer to the car I could see it was a cop. I was so relieved, I was about to be rescued! I walked up waving my arms saying, “Excuse me, hello, I need some help!” He was looking down at something and was not hearing me. So I got closer, closer still, all the while yelling, “Pardon me, sir!” and “Hello!” Nothing. I finally was close enough to tap on his hood. Tap-tap-tap! I apparently scared the shit out of him. He looked up terrified, looked like he was reaching for his gun so I threw my hands in the air. He screamed at me to back up away from his car so I complied. He got out of the car and said, “G’dammit boy! You can’t walk up on someone like dat from a cemetery. You gonna git yerself kilt!”
Cemetery? Of course I was parked in front of a freakin’ cemetery. I apologized and said my car broke down and I didn’t know where I was. He said he could take me to a phone but that’s all he could do. I said that would be plenty and thanked the jumpy little chub.
He dropped me off at the Taste Freeze in Canton where I called my friend Robbie to come help me out. I sat there for hours looking like a young Nosferatu and watching buses full of people fill the restaurant for breakfast. I felt very… noticed. The looks I received from all these God-fearing blue-haired old ladies still makes me laugh. I think I actually hissed at one who stared a little too long.
Robbie came to the rescue and gave the car a jump. Apparently the alternator thingy was going out. I know more about vaginas than I do about cars and I just recently learned vaginas are not a portal to Narnia. So I am a clueless mechanic.
That whole trip was a real trip. I entertained some folks, I scared some folks. I nearly pissed myself when I thought I was being abducted in the fog and never would have been able to sleep if I knew how close I was to a garden of the dead. In the end, I learned one thing: Never travel alone. Crazy shit happens when you are all alone. Crazy shit can happen when you are with friends, but it’s scurry when you are all by your lonesome.
Wow, were you as scared by that as I was reliving it? … Only the parts about how I looked out of drag, huh? Bitches, please!
No room this week for questions, kittens, but if you have any things you’d like to hear about let me know. Before I am… taken! (Cue X Files theme.)
Remember to love more, bitch less and be fabulous. XOXO, Cassie Nova.
If you have a question of comment, email it to AskCassieNova@gmail.com.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition July 24, 2015.