Viper versus Genesis: Not all sports cars were created equal — but all have their joys
MASCULIN, FEMININ | You’ll pay dearly for the sting of a Viper, bottom, but the softer Hyundai Genesis, top, gives speed and style on a budget.
CASEY WILLIAMS | Auto Reviewer
crwauto@aol.com
With the possible exception of being ridden by some buff daddy all night, there’s nothing more exciting than sliding behind the wheel of a hot sports car. But even the sexy boys have varying personalities — from twink to bear — so you can’t judge a queen by his cover. Nor can you judge a proper sports car without wide expanses of asphalt.
Decide if you would rather be pleasured by the butch SRT Viper or the femme Hyundai Genesis 2.0T. Here’s a cheat sheet:
Named for:
Viper: Named after a venomous snake.
Genesis: Shares its creed with an ’80s pop band?
Inspired by:
Viper: Shelby Cobra, a classic beyond compare.
Genesis: A classic Toyota Supra, the Japanese supercar.
Target:
Viper: Meat-ripping muscle boys looking to pound someone.
Genesis: Your nephew, right before he tells your sister his big news.
If seats were underwear:
Viper: Grip your entire package like Zeus’ jockstrap.
Genesis: Think boxer briefs with precision stitching in all the right places.
Horsepower:
Viper: 640, or about 300 beyond any drag queen’s grasp.
Genesis: 274, or about 30 more than an ’80s Corvette!
Cylinder count:
Viper: 8.4-liter V10 — that’s 2 more cylinders than Mustang, and 2 less than Ferrari … and enough to run with those charging Lamborghini bulls.
Genesis: 2.0-liter 4-cylinder and blowin’ with a turbo, but Dawg better stay on the front porch.
MPGs:
Viper: Who the flip cares?
Genesis: Up to 30/Hwy.
Sings like:
Viper: The devil hopped on bourbon any morning.
Genesis: An angel on Sunday morning.
Shares its underpinnings with:
Viper: One suspects the Mercedes-Benz SLS Gullwing, but SRT’s super serpent raises lots more hell.
Genesis: Award-winning Genesis sedan, Equus luxury flagship.
Favorite color:
Viper: TA Orange, but only 33 Vipers in this hue will be built.
Genesis: T Sukuba Red — don’t know what the hell it means, but looks ravishing.
Sexy asset:
Viper: “Spidey” cross-brace over the engine stays stiff to enhance performance.
Genesis: Special little curve in its windowline likes to be fondled.
Alter ego:
Viper: Hannibal Lecter hunting four-wheeled flesh.
Genesis: Club princess hunting her next quick trick.
Favorite Johnson:
Viper: Magic, a b-ball legend and perhaps the world’s coolest dad.
Genesis: E.J., gurl went full handbag, but mom and dad didn’t care.
Claim to fame:
Viper: Set Chrysler’s shack on fire in the ’90s, survived the German invasion and is revered in Turin.
Genesis: Proves Koreans can have fun, too.
Cool feature:
Viper: 2-mode suspension goes from bone-jarring to jaw-fracturing.
Genesis: Blue Link system for point-of-interest Web searches and voice text messaging.
Grumpy Cat’s thoughts:
Viper: You’re evil. Give me a kiss.
Genesis: You’re nice. Bite me.
Born in:
Viper: Detroit! It is as gritty and raw as the place it loves.
Genesis: Korea — just a short drive from being truly dangerous.
Biggest sticker:
Viper: Burning tread from $99,995 — be sure to drive one before you’re dead.
Genesis: Starting at $24,250 — maybe betta for so little chedda.
Parting thoughts:
Viper: I’m expensive and obstinate, but don’t you want to throttle me?
Genesis: I may be cheap, but I’m still a bundle of fun.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition June 21, 2013.