Candy Marcum

LGBTQ community members get called out for breaking social distancing rules, and Candy Marcum offers suggestions for handling the stress of the COVID-19 epidem

Tammye Nash | Managing Editor
nash@dallasvoice.com

Everybody loves brunch. Good food with friends and family — who wouldn’t love that? And Easter Sunday brunch — well, that’s a tradition in the LGBTQ community almost as revered as Halloween.

Except this year. This year, that Easter brunch tradition was usurped by the COVID-19 epidemic and the stay home, stay safe orders issued by cities and counties across North Texas that the epidemic prompted.

On Easter Sundays past, houses, yards and parks were overflowing with brunchers, picnicking with pals, parading with pooches and bragging on their bonnets. This year, though, the parks were closed, and all the mimosa toasts were made via virtual gatherings.

All the celebrations were safely socially distanced.

At least, that’s the way it was supposed to be. There were some, though, that chose to set aside the guidelines suggested by the Centers for Disease Control and, in some cases, ordered by the local governments to stop the spread of the coronavirus. For them, connecting — in person — with their friends was more important.

It’s likely, of course, that there were plenty of families and plenty of groups of friends who broke the social distancing rules over the Easter weekend. But in two such instances, those who broke quarantine made the mistake of posting photos and/or video of their brunch parties on Facebook. And the backlash was immediate, and it was harsh.

One man who hosted an Easter brunch and bonnet party with at least nine people, when confronted on Facebook by an acquaintance who called him out for being irresponsible and setting a bad example for others in the community, deleted critical comments posted publicly, and said in a private message “people’s opinions are not changed via social media posts or attempted shaming,” and that he has “chosen to live my life with friends in a responsible way.”

In another instance, a young man posted a video with the caption, “You can’t stop the gays from brunch.” His post prompted an angry response from an acquaintance: “People are seriously hurting due to no work and are dying from this shit. But you … can’t stay home like everyone else to see this shit through.”

He told Dallas Voice that he was upset because, as the manager of a restaurant that has had to temporarily close and furlough its employees while the stay home/stay safe orders remain in effect, it bothered him to see people “having a party, acting like nothing’s wrong” while his employees are struggling to stay afloat with no work.

The party host said he held the party because he “missed my friends,” and because he suffers from depression and needed the chance for in-person interaction. “I’m not talking about sex. That’s not it. I just needed to be with my friends,” he said.

The man in the second situation, at least at first, remained defiant, even as the backlash moved from criticism of his choice to defy social distancing rules to personal attacks about his weight and his looks. The man who put up the original post deleted the insulting comments, telling Dallas Voice that such insults were inappropriate and detracted from the message he was trying to get across about the irresponsible decision to have a party.

One woman went so far as to send message saying, “You’re a dumb ass fag… I hope you get COVID-19,” prompting him to post a screen capture of her name and the message you sent with a warning that he would contact police. (He told Dallas Voice he had not done so, however.)

His defiance faded, though, when the publicity prompted his employer — a dentist who had been identified in the social media posts — to fire him.

The woman who sent the message, who had been identified in posts as an employee of Pekers Bar, also paid a price. The management at Pekers has put a statement on Facebook apologizing “to everyone regarding the nasty comment made by someone associated with the bar. This person was not employed by Pekers Bar; she was subcontracted by the bartenders to help as a barback. Due to recent events, she will no longer be helping the bartenders, and she will not be allowed back in the bar as a customer going forward.

“Please know that you can always feel welcome and safe at Pekers Bar. We do not tolerate or allow this kind of behavior from anyone, including any employee or customer. Please accept our sincere apologies.”

via Facebook Messenger, the woman told Dallas Voice, “I don’t work for Pekers, and I wasn’t making an anti-gay comment.”

The impact of social distancing
There’s no doubt that the social distancing guidelines set out by the CDC’s and the stay home/stay safe orders issued by local governments are key in stopping the spread of the highly-contagious and potentially debilitating and even deadly novel coronavirus. And many, if not most, agree that violating those guidelines is irresponsible and could probably force the extension of those orders.

But do the men who chose to go ahead with their parties have a point, too? Humans are, after all, social animals, and many of us are feeling the stress and the anxiety of self-quarantining building as the weeks pass.

In fact, said therapist Candy Marcum, “If you’re not feeling underlying feelings of anxiety and depression, you are not in touch with your feelings! Secondly, being in touch with how sad or scared you are is the first step in finding relief.”

When faced with those “uncomfortable feelings,” Marcum continued, “you want to do something to self soothe. That’s a good thing. Paying attention to how we feel helps us find options to feel better.”

The hard part though is finding healthy ways to do that. Alcohol and online binge shopping aren’t the answer, Marcum said, adding “Healthy self-soothing would be engaging in behavior that, afterward, you’ll respect yourself for doing.”

She suggested getting out of the house and going for a walk, paying attention to social distancing, of course, because “It’s almost impossible to feel depression or anxiety while moving your body.”

Contact a friend to check in, asking about how they are doing and talking to them about what you are doing to manage anxiety and stress, Marcum continued. “If you miss them, tell them so,” she said.

Look online for meditations and webinars that teach self-soothing, but stay away from the news, because news can be a prime source of stress, she said, noting, “You only need to check in with the news once or twice a day.”

Set up Zoom meetings with family and friends, Marcum suggested, so that you can share meals or happy hours. And of course, if you need to, contact a therapist. Many, she said, are offering video conferencing and teletherapy sessions.

“People are scared, worried, angry and sad,” Marcum said. “Understandably so. Check in with your counselor for emotional support and sound advice.”

Over the last few weeks, younger people have often been pointed out as the ones being the most cavalier about social distancing guidelines. That’s not surprising, Marcum said, because, “It is difficult for people under 40 to believe they are not immortal. Therefore, it is difficult for these folks to believe that they will become infected with the coronavirus. This is the time for maturity to kick in.”

She continued, “If you feel invincible, I know you believe that people who are older and not in the greatest of health are vulnerable to COVID-19. Think about them. I know you do not want to infect somebody else — especially the vulnerable.”

Marcum added, “Use self-care and other care to respect social distancing. Be other centered. We are all depending on one another to follow established guidelines and ride this out. As has been said many times, we are all in this together.”

Marcum also had a message for those who responded to reports of people breaking social distancing by trying to shame them based on looks or other superficial factors.

“There’s something about the anonymity of social media that gives people permission to spew their anger and mean-spiritedness,” she said. “Listen folks, we really are all in this together. So let’s band together as LGBTQ Dallasites, Texans, Americans and people from all over the world to show solidarity, support and kindness to one another.

“I give you my positive support. Please give me your positive support,” Marcum said. “We all need it.”

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Candy Marcum, marriage and family therapist, Med, LMFT, LPC, LCDC, is offering video counseling and teletherapy services through her practice, Candy Marcum Counseling. Call her office at 214-506-2629, email her at Candy@CandyMarcum.com, or visit her website at CandyMarcum.com for more information.