When someone transitions, so, in a way, do their friends and families
Having just celebrated my 39th birthday for the umpteenth time, I figured some reflection was due. A lot has happened in the last couple of years since I came out as transgender — on my birthday in 2012.
Who the hell comes out on their birthday? I guess, I do. I never intended to, but shit happens sometimes.
I had delayed doing it so for many years for a slew of reasons. But I was always pretty clear on just who I was. It wasn’t courage that got me to finally say the words aloud; I was backed into a corner and felt I had no other choice — well, no other reasonable choice.
I had spent 30-plus years behind a microphone on radio stations all over the country — as a guy. A character.
It worked really well. A radio station is a great place to hide while feeding my creative energy. I earned good ratings, won awards and made lots of money. But I was restless and never completely happy.
Coming out is certainly a very personal thing. To come out as transgender has profound implications on the rest of your life. I don’t care how much thought and preparation you put into it, you will never think of everything — not even close!
There is so much to think about:
• Your new name (which will need to be legally changed, along with your gender marker).
• How you will present yourself to the world.
• Whether to tell your employer (Many transgender people find themselves out of work).
I could do a whole article just on that. But while this process is deeply personal, it also affects nearly everyone in your life.
When I came out, I had been married for 33 years. I have now been divorced for 16 months.
My brother feels that by uttering my name or using it in print, it would be an offense to his god — so he won’t. As you might guess, we don’t talk much.
A bright spot in my life has been my two daughters. They are now 33 and 27, and I could not be more proud of them. Both have been tremendously supportive of me through my transition, yet both have struggled in their own way.
My oldest came to visit me shortly after I moved to Dallas and stayed a week before returning home. This was maybe eight months before I came out. The next time I saw her was over Christmas and it was the first time she had met me as Leslie.
This past Thanksgiving, we were talking and she said, “You know, I wish when I came to see you that I would have known it was the last time I’d see my dad.”
I had no answer. What do you say? “Yeah, sorry about that?”
The first Father’s Day after I came out, I was unprepared. My oldest had wanted to post a picture of us together on her Facebook Wall but didn’t want to offend me. So she didn’t. It was the picture of me walking her down the aisle at her wedding. I love that picture and would be fine with her posting it, but I didn’t think ahead of time to address that day with my kids.
Just recently my youngest, Chrissy, called. We speak often and we had a delightful conversation. She has been living with her boyfriend for about five years now and I love him. He’s so good to her. I have a pretty good idea where this relationship is heading.
Anyway, I was talking to Chrissy and asked her if she feels like the relationship with her dad was taken away from her. She was candid and said “Not really. We have a better relationship now than we ever did when you were my dad.”
Well OK then.
She then went on to say that recently she and her boyfriend were at a friend’s wedding and everything was fine until they had the “Father/Daughter Dance.” Chrissy said she just lost it as she was hit with the realization that this event would never happen for her. We have a totally different relationship, and it’s great. But it’s not father and daughter.
That was punctuated when I asked her about her eventual wedding. She told me that there would be some changes that would have to be made: “One thing’s for sure, you and your fake tits are NOT walking me down the aisle!”
I just love her.
Leslie McMurray, a transgender woman, is a former radio DJ who lives and works in Dallas. Read more of her blogs at https://lesliemichelle44.wordpress.com.
This article appeared in the Dallas Voice print edition August 1, 2014.