Finn Deerhart
STEVEN LINDSEY | Contributing Writer
stevencraiglindsey@gmail.com
George Michael sang it best: “Sex is natural, sex is fun.”
However, getting to that place in life where sex is purely enjoyable can be a complicated journey for some people, particularly gay and queer men struggling with intimacy, self-esteem and other emotionally-charged issues.
Everything from societal norms and religion to where we were raised and how soon we came out have a deep impact on how we experience sexuality as adults.
Earlier this week, I had a one-on-one sex counseling session with Finn Deerhart, an American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT)-certified sexuality counselor. During a typical interview for Dallas Voice, I do very little talking and ask all the questions. But this time, the tables were turned, and I was the one being gently interrogated.
As Deerhart looked on from my laptop screen, I felt an instant sense of connection that allowed me to bare my soul, share my innermost desires and talk so frankly about sex that it felt like a genuine breakthrough.
I’ve seen a few therapists over the years, and, in most instances, even though I was never dishonest, I always held back some of the more sordid and embarrassing truths. Yet here I was, divulging explicit details of sexual encounters, contemplating origins of guilt and shame and traveling back in time to childhood to examine key moments.
All with a complete stranger.
Deerhart conducts his sex counseling sessions with individual men and male couples over Zoom. Even though we could see each other on our devices, something about the physical distance provided me the safe space and the confidence to say anything (and everything).
Of course, an hour isn’t enough time to get through every topic I wanted to discuss, but I ended our session genuinely interested in continuing a counseling relationship far beyond what I did for the sake of story research.
I attribute it all to Deerhart and his thoughtful insights into everything I told him, rather than merely sitting there nodding as I rambled on and on (and on).
His gentle, nurturing demeanor put me at ease immediately, a skill he honed in part during his early adult days as a preacher in the Church of Christ. He even married a woman as an additional attempt to prove to himself that he wasn’t really gay. When both his career as a preacher and marriage ended, he began to more deeply explore his own sexuality and queerness.
It’s because of his struggles, triumphs, and complicated past that he can truly empathize with his clients.
“When I came out of the closet, I was 31,” Deerhart says. “I started dating, and started at that point feeling like, hey, you know, I’m exploring gay life! But I didn’t really have a sense of how much shame I carried, still from the closet and for all the things I was growing up in, because all the hookups I was having, there’s a level of anonymity in that I maybe don’t have to feel the emotional stuff.
“So once I got into a relationship that was more lasting, I started having all kinds of issues.”
Eager to examine the roots of his emotions and relationship complications, Deerhart sought help.
“I got into therapy, and I was already a personal trainer for a really long time, and a wellness coach, so I’d already been kind of in the coaching space and speaking about emotional wellness and relational wellness,” he said. “And what happened was, I started in San Francisco, just hosting conversations about this with men at this place called the Center SF.
And it grew really quickly into a support group.”
His support group filled a void in the community and soon grew to 40 men or more in a session. Around the same time, he got involved with the San Francisco sobriety community and started hosting cuddle parties that allowed men to have sexuality but not fall back into old patterns.
“It kept growing and growing, and people were coming to me for private work, and then I felt like I need more training at this point to keep up with what was like coming my way,” he said.
“So that’s when I got AASECT certified, and it just kind of ballooned.”
Deerhart also worked as an intimacy coach and script writer for the theatrical-quality gay porn site, Himeros.tv, as well as a behind-the-scenes podcast about the explicit shoots.
So, it should be clear that Deerhart knows a lot about sex. And even more about the complicated and meandering journey from shame to acceptance.
His one-on-one sessions run $200 per hour, $375 for couples. After each session, he sends a short audio message summarizing what was discussed and offering homework to reach certain goals, which proved really helpful.
Anyone can hire him for sex and intimacy counseling, but his practice to date has exclusively been gay, bisexual and queer men.
“This is about growth and empowerment. If you can think of it that way, it’s less scary, I think.
And guys want that,” Deerhart said. “They want to feel respected and strong, and all you have to do is be honest about your feelings.
“You’ll feel better.”
To learn more about his group retreats, the types of counseling he offers, or whether his sessions would be beneficial, Deerhart offers a free 15-minute phone introduction to discuss the options best for you.